My darling boys...

In their PJ's from Santa's Elves (delivered in the snowstorm on Christmas Eve)

Aidan Riding his bike in the middle of the Christmas aftermath (all the games have already been taken apart and spread out!)

Nate is helping Aidan open one of his gifts from Nana...a Thomas train!

The boys could hardly wait to get outside and play in the snow. We were so excited to have a white Christmas in North Texas this year! Our first!

This year we had a beautifully mellow Christmas. I have to admit, it was so nice to spend the holiday (and the days leading up to it) relaxed and calm. Although I wouldn't want to have every year be this low-key, it was a nice change from the usual hustle and bustle. Next year we'll be traveling and baking and partying and laughing and sledding in the Ohio snow....

Adam worked Christmas, but surprised me Christmas Eve when he didn't have to go in to work and instead was able to spend the day with us. He took the boys shopping in the rain, which gave me a chance to finish wrapping their gifts. We had a lovely Christmas Eve with traditions from our families -- reading the Christmas story in Luke and opening one gift (this year, we let the kids choose which gift they wanted to open).

The next morning, Adam got up before the rest of the world to head to work and accidentally locked his keys in his car ...with the engine running. At 5 am I started calling tow companies and was getting no answer from any of them. After about 10 calls and messages left, I finally got someone on the line. He said it would be at least two hours, since they were so busy because of the snow storm that had come through the night before. The man with the truck finally made it and didn't charge me very much. It was a Christmas miracle :) I guess he really deserved the Christmas bonus I gave him! Especially after he told me that he was on his way home to enjoy Christmas with his family when my call came. He was a good guy. Adam, on the other hand, is still in big trouble. (haha, just kidding!)

We are so looking forward to the coming New Year and the chance to start afresh and make new goals to better ourselves and our little family. 2010 will be a year of big changes for our family, with a new baby, a new job, a new home, and a new school for Nate. But we know that the Savior is real, He lives, and He guides our lives if we let Him. We're excited to see what the next adventure will be :)

Today at church I reminded the girls of a story I'd told about my Grandpa Burnett being the youngest member of the Utah Symphony (at age 13) and one of the girls said:

"When you told that story, it really inspired me to work hard and get better so someday I could try out for the Symphony."

My heart was bursting...someone had actually taken a life lesson from something I shared with them!! Amazing.

Then she added, "Yeah, but then I quit so...so much for that."

Uh-huh.

North Pole Express

Other than the fact that it was fah-reezing (and I had no coat to fit my growing baby bump), we had such a fun time at the North Pole Express. It's run by the Grapevine Railroad and you travel along on the train, then make a stop to pick up Santa, who then goes through all the train cars and wishes each child a Merry Christmas.

Admittedly, it wasn't quite as magical as I'd expected (Santa wasn't very convincing and the train ride was waaaay too short for what we paid), but it was still so nice to have our family doing something together, which is a rarity this month with Adam's work schedule. Plus, the lunch that we had afterward at one of our favorite restaurants was heavenly. I think it was the best meal I've had in a very long time...so the day ended on a very, very good note :)

We're so excited for Christmas this week! Merry Christmas to all of you!

December So Far

Adam's Birthday
We celebrated with his favorite, Angel Food Cake, and although the picture shows a fireball of candles, it actually wasn't quite as dangerous as it looks. Although....he is getting old, so maybe adding the correct number of candles is a fire hazard....



Decorating the Christmas Tree
Of course this is one of the favorite traditions of the season. My boys love arranging (and rearranging) the ornaments. I learned my lesson last year (after losing many of my glass ornaments to baseball-like incidents) and this year found some super-cheap PLASTIC balls. We're Christmas-tree-baby-proofed for the first time in all our years of Murdock Christmases. Hooray.
No pictures of the final product -- I still need to add the tree skirt, ribbon, and keepsake ornaments (to the TOP of the tree of course) but you can use your imagination to guess what it looks like :)

Christmas Update: Last night I was giving Adam some hints about what to get me for Christmas and he said "Maybe your gift has already been ordered...." which is leaving me in a state of torment because I want to hack into his email account and find out if he ordered something online...or I guess I could look at our bank statement online....or check our credit card activity....but instead, I think I'll just wait for the surprise. :) The suspense may nearly kill me!! :)

November

I thought I'd do a quick wrap-up of our last month or so....since I've been largely MIA from this blog....things are super busy with work and so I have neglected the family blog in a big way. Don't feel too badly though, blog, because I've also neglected such things as housework, laundry, and eating in the pursuit of giving people the best Christmas ever (photographically speaking).

So in the spirit of the holidays, I give you the lame cop-out photo dump:

Emily's Birthday

Dinner with our besties on my birthday...(not sure if Adam knew the picture was being taken)
You can't imagine how excited I was when Jennette planned a trip out here for my birthday, and then how much better it was that the stars aligned and our husbands were able to make it to dinner with us. We ate at the classic Dallas favorite, Chuy's, and I have to admit that the company was even better than the food! (Although the waiter was a close second...he kept our chips and salsa full and our drinks refreshed for the three hours we were there...good man!)

We miss you, Pauls. Looking forward to our trip in the spring!! :)


San Antonio Trip


I had some work to do in San Antonio the weekend of my birthday, so my favorite people came along and we had a great weekend exploring and enjoying the city, except for the part when Aidan choked on a mint at Zio's then threw up all over me in the middle of the restaurant. That was not a highlight. But these parts were highlights:Riding the train at Breckenridge Park
Without even trying, somehow I'd convinced Adam that this was going to be an amazing train ride. He was surprised that the little train powered by a lawnmower motor didn't take us further or through more exotic areas of San Antonio.

But we did get to see the place where the former Breckenridge Stables resided, and it brought back memories of going horseback riding with Kerstin and Elyse (my two dearest friends growing up) and the time we told the employees that we were experienced riders in an effort to get them to let us take the horses out by ourselves (without a guide). Why they believed us is beyond me-- we sure looked like suburban girls who'd never ridden horses before. But we proved to them just how suburban we were when I dropped my reins, then got off the horse to get them (coincidentally got off on the wrong side of the horse...who knew there was a correct side to dismount??) and the horse ran away into the "forest" near us. Leaving me on the ground, with no horse, and Elyse freaking out about getting caught for not being the Ranch Hands we professed to be.

Let's just say we weren't welcome back. I hope they found that horse.


**Post Edit...my mom has helped me to see the error of my spelling ways...it's BrAckenridge Park, not BrEckenridge Park. Whoopsie!**

**Double Post Edit...after a Google search, I CANNOT find out if it is Breckenridge or Brackenridge. Even official pages have it spelled both ways.**

The Alamo
Of course, it's a must-see each time we visit. I never get over the beauty of this building and the reverence it inspires. This time we took Nate inside and let him really look and listen to what is offered there, and he was very interested. It's so fun to have a kid that are growing up and realizing what a great big world is out there for him to discover.


Lunch at The Salt Lick
(sorry Dad, try not to be too jealous)
Even though it took us an hour to find it, of course it was well worth the drive. It is a very simple place in Driftwood (near Austin) and although it doesn't offer much fanfare (or even decent Diet Coke), it has been a family favorite for many years. The brisket is so tender and the sauce is unbelievable. If you're desperate to try it, they have a website and will ship meat and sauce to your door (just ask my dad, we sent him some for Father's Day one year!)
Here is the website...if you dare to tempt your tastebuds...

One Bar

Simultaneously, three of my electronical gizmos were on their last battery bar. My phone beeped at me, screaming "Battery is Low" and my two cameras were blinking "Low Battery" as well.

As I plugged in all three to charge up, I realized that my personal Low Battery light is blinking too. I desperately need somewhere to plug in, to recharge, to power up. This pregnancy and events of the past few weekds have drained all my battery reserves, and it doesn't help that I've been largely without the things in life that keep me going like the Energizer Bunny.

I've been in a particularly emotional mood lately. I'm not sure why. I suppose it has to do with a lot of different things, some little and some monumental, that are adding up to be almost more than I can handle. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis...just a couple weeks shy of my 28th birthday. Not sure how that happens, but it is what it is. :) There is a portent of stormy weather ahead...Perhaps not so much stormy weather as earthquakes. Things that will rock my world. Things that will cause fissures and cracks in what we consider normality. Things that will change the direction of our lives and bring change and growth (hopefully). Most specifically, the decisions related to Adam's job and his future plans for doctor-hood.

When you're climbing a mountain, you look forward to reaching the summit. I feel like Adam and I have been climbing a mountain for our whole marriage, through medical school, then residency, then private-sector work, then residency again. We could see the top and we knew the goal. We had a map to make it to the summit and although we took a couple detours, we are reaching the point where we can finally take in the beauty of the view from the top.

Right?

Except it feels as though we've started to see that what we thought was the summit was really just the valley at the base of another mountain. A mountain that we know we're supposed to climb, but we're not sure which path to take and there is no map. There is no solid direction. And worse yet, there is fog covering the paths. There is more than one way to continue on our journey and we can't see which path would be the fastest, or the easiest, or the most beautiful. But we're looking behind us, thinking, Dang. What we thought was the struggle of the climb, through rocks and mud and steep incline, was really quite beautiful, and there really is no more beauty at this point of our journey than there was before.

There must be joy in the journey.

So, to answer the question I get about a hundred times a week (just joking...kind of), we really don't know which path we're going to take. We have no idea where we're going to put down roots, and we feel that the right opportunity hasn't presented itself to us yet. So we're waiting. It is something that my heart can hardly stand, as I'm someone who craves the life of normalcy and roots. I want a house that is ours, a quiet house on a peaceful street. A house that will feel like a home, because I can make it so without worrying about the landlord or having to move more "stuff" in the near future. I like to have a firm grip on my life, and control it as best I can, and this out-of-control feeling is so not fun for me. I certainly do not like living an unsettled life.

And yet I have no idea how I will react when we finally are settled and have no "escape" from the difficult things. I find myself thinking much too often that it doesn't matter what is going on here, because at least we'll be moving soon. It's not that big of a deal to have no friends in the area because we'll be moving soon. It's fine that I don't feel a part of our ward because we'll be moving soon. The "moving soon" excuse is convenient. But it's making me pull away from life here, and that can be a dangerous habit to let into my life.

In less than a year, we'll be unpacking boxes at the base of a new summit in preparation for a new climb.

Hopefully by then I'll learn how to have joy in the journey.

Exhaling

*picture from my six-week ultrasound

Well, many of you already know...there's a bun in the Murdock oven.

I've been thinking about the effects of disappointment and loss.

There is something that happens, that is beyond words, when you've been through life experiences that disappoint you or bring pain to your life. You walk with a certain degree of dread, knowing that there could be something poised around the next corner, ready and waiting to jump at you. It becomes easy to let that dread taint your experiences and rob you of the joy that could be felt today. I felt like, for weeks, I was holding my breath as I waited for the 12th week of pregnancy. There is something about losing a baby through first trimester miscarriage that makes peace in the first trimester of subsequent pregnancies nearly impossible. The first trimester becomes 12 weeks of waiting...waiting for a heartbeat, waiting to pass that magical threshold when you can finally exhale.

While I never enjoyed the all-day sickness and nausea that accompanied the first trimester of this pregnancy, I gloried in each day that I was sick. Being sick meant something was still right. It meant that there was continued life, continued growth, continued progress. Yet I was still holding my breath, because I remember. I remember the one pregnancy that didn't make it to 12 weeks. I remember the day I woke up and thought "I feel really good today!" And I remember the time I learned that my feeling good was the sign that growth and progress and life stopped. So I continued to hold my breath, waiting for week 12.

And yesterday when I heard that heartbeat, at exactly 12 weeks, I finally exhaled.

It feels so good to breathe.

The Force Is Strong

Halloween 2009...
Nate as "Commander Cody" and Aidan as "Master Yoda"

These are two of Nate's buddies from church...who obviously love the same thing as him.
It's ALL about Star Wars at ALL of our houses right now!
(And Nate's dad couldn't be happier...)

Master Yoda vs. Lord Vader

Connection...Vader is defeated!

"Dude! That really hurt!"

We had a really great Halloween, despite the fact that Adam was working until late. The kids had already fallen in exhausted heaps in their beds when Dad came home... but he took the opportunity to look through their candy bags for "Dad Tax." In my house growing up, it was 10%. Luckily for the Dad of this house, our kids only like about 10% of the candy they bring home. You can do the math on that one.

One thing we found (and really loved) this year was a local mall's Halloween Carnival. There were jump houses and carnival games, and they had a petting zoo and lots of contests and prizes. It was really fun. The stores in the mall were handing out candy, too, so the kids could walk door-to-door and get their bags full without having to guess as to which neighborhoods would be the best bet. If we're here next year, we may not even venture into the neighborhoods -- maybe we'll just go to the mall! :)

Hope your Halloween was full of treats and not tricks!

Booo!

I think the most humorous hypocrisy in my life is that I check other friends' blogs and think,

Ugh, why hasn't she posted today?! It's been almost a week!

And here I am, letting weeks and weeks go by without a post. It's just kind of funny.


I've had a lot on my mind lately, probably because I've had a lot of time to think. Since I'm sitting around being totally sick with child. I don't remember my other pregnancies being like this at all, so at the same time I'm miserable and hopeful... I won't jinx it, but heavens it would be nice to have a girl. (wink, wink) And while I've been sitting around feeling like gum on the bottom of a shoe, nothing has been accomplished. Not in the bathroom, the kids' rooms, the laundry room, or the kitchen. And certainly not in the master bedroom.

Tonight Adam remarked that he "couldn't remember our house ever looking so bad." He even commented the other day that I should look into hiring a housekeeper. And he wasn't joking.

And tonight he also informed me that he is "utterly and totally sick of pizza." He then requested that the next time I don't make dinner, "please don't let Papa John make it instead." Suggestion taken.

But, the good news is that we got the first ultrasound, and this little bean has a heartbeat! So it's real after all -- there is a little person coming to our home. (Heaven help us.) The bad news is that I can't use the doctor I want -- some sort of insurance snafu. It makes me sad because he delivered Nate, and is such an amazing doctor, and someone I actually trust. But it doesn't make me sad enough to pay 50% of our delivery bill (c-sections aren't cheap) so a-doctor-huntin' we will go. If you know anyone that works for the Baylor system, speaks English, and won't call my lady-parts "vajayjay" -- let me know.

Nate requests Michael Jackson's Thriller each morning on the way to school. Just thought you'd be interested in that little tidbit.

Work has been busy for me, even though I've really limited the number of clients I'm taking this year. September thru November is very, very busy in the world of Family Portraiture, and so my busy season is in full swing. I have tried to be realistic about what I can and cannot do, since I can barely get a load of laundry done and realize that the likelihood of doing five sessions a week (which is about what I did last year at this time) is low. But I've had some amazing clients return this year and it's so fun to get to do something that I love so much. And I'm much better at photography than laundry. That is a fact.

Um, so other than no housework being done, feeling crappy all day long whether I eat or not, and wanting to sell Aidan on the black market every day -- I'd say I'm living the dream.

I did get the chance to see some of my favorite friends the other night, when my sweet friend Julie came back to town for a visit. It was like manna to my soul to be with four other women, in a fabulous Mexican restaurant, ignoring my cell phone. I also realized that all five of us are "Med Wives" who put our husbands through med school/residency... and it was so nice to sit around a table with women who get it. They get why I have to implement coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of my husband's job and career. They get why we don't have any extra money, even though he's a "doctor." They get why adjustments have to be made, and schedules have to be flexible, and plans have to be canceled last-minute. Sometimes I really miss that true empathy in my other friendships, and not through any fault of any of my other friends -- it's just that it's nice to be understood sometimes without having to explain anything. It's a blessing to have those women in my life. Anyway. Thanks, Julie, for giving us all a reason to get together. Come home soon.

Tonight I took the boys to pick out pumpkins. Hello, could I be any more last-minute??! On the way there, we rear-ended someone. It was my first accident in nearly ten years. I tried not to let it get to me, and just enjoy being with my little rascals. I think we got some cute pumpkins and I'm excited to carve them!


Oh, I love my boys so much. Even when I feel like selling them to the highest bidder. I do realize that I'm lucky to have them, and I'm even more lucky that they don't run away.

So, an updated post that was totally random! And you thought your day couldn't get any better. You're welcome!

Happy Birthday, Aidan!

At two years old, Aidan is a joy to our home. He loves to laugh and wrestle and play with his cars. He gets excited every time we pass a construction site and even more excited if we stop to watch! He is definitely "all boy" -- with a love of any and every sport, and loves to get messy (but then also loves to take a bath).
Anything his brother does, Aidan wants to do. Nate is his hero! This especially includes baseball. Lately, Aidan has been using anything and everything as a bat and ball. The most unlikely (and creative) item this week was Mom's curling iron and a rolled-up sock.
Nate is lucky to have such a wonderfully sweet and fun little brother, and they love to play together.
He has proved to live up to his name, which means "little fiery one," but truly, we wouldn't have it any other way.

We love you, Baby Aideee Pants. Our lives are forever better because you joined our family.

New Post- CJane Style

In case you don't read her blog, here is Cjane's post that I am referring to...

Musings on Four Pregnancies
...otherwise known as: I'm a G4P2A1...

Did you know I've been pregnant four times? I don't think people know that. Here is My Musings on Four Pregnancies, in four parts.

I. Waaay back when Adam was a med student and I was a svelte Williams Sonoma floor manager, I had a dream. I wanted babies. After all, all my friends were doing it. First Annalisa, then Julie, then Loralee, then Mary, then Lynette. I remember distinctly the day (Sunday) that Lynette and Tyler announced that they were pregnant. I came home from church and cried my eyes out. "I want a baby so badly," I told Adam. He laughed and said, "We are SO not ready to have a baby."

Two days later, I found out I was pregnant.

Eight months after that, sweet Nate joined our little family. And although Adam was probably right (how can you actually be ready for your first baby? There is no preparing for that!) ... there was no more loved baby in all the world.

(And just for fun, I'd like to tell you that 17 babies were born in that ward in a 12-month span...something was definitely in the water!!)

II. Just after Nate's third birthday, we became pregnant again. We were living in Kansas City at the time, and I went to see a fabulous doctor (Dr. Michael Magee for anyone in that area needing a doctor...he was so great!). The first appointment, he did some bloodwork to confirm the pregnancy, and we talked about what the due date would be. December 25. A Christmas gift! How exciting! The second appointment, he listened for a heartbeat. I was 10 weeks along. But he couldn't find a heartbeat. He said, "I'm not worried, you're still pretty early in your pregnancy, but let's do an ultrasound just in case."
The ultrasound tech did an external then an internal ultrasound and made the comment, "I can't find a heartbeat." I actually laughed and said something silly like, "Oh cute, the baby is being shy." She said (and I'll ever remember the words) : "No darling, I think the baby has passed away."
Memorial Day found me in an outpatient clinic receiving a procedure called a D&C, which is basically when they vacuum out the contents of your uterus. I remember that my request for the doctor was that he try to determine whether it was a boy or a girl. The sweet man told me he would try, although later Adam told me that it would be impossible.
I just wanted to know if it was a girl. I chose to assume that it was, and I referred to the baby as "Holly" from then on.
One thing that Dr. Magee told me that I specifically remember was that I was lucky that I'd already had Nate, because I knew that my body was capable of carrying a baby to full term. He said that was better than the women he'd seen in his office who'd had miscarriage after miscarriage. At least I still had hope, and the likelihood that I would have more children was high. I am glad he said that to me, because I needed hope, and that carried me through.
The Lord knows what he is doing, and His hand is over all. I know this.
If we'd had that baby on December 25, it would have been a couple weeks old when we made the move from Kansas to Canada. I'm not sure I could have handled that stress. It was hard enough to make that move, without a newborn!

III. It took almost a year to get pregnant again, but we did. And sweet Aidan came to us as a Canadian-born little gift. His first few minutes were scary but he came through and has proved to live up to his name ever since -- Aidan means "little fiery one." I think I've been trying to keep him a baby for too long, because you just never know what will happen, and who knows if we'll have more children, right? I've let him keep his Binky and he'll be 2 in a few days! It's time to take it away, I know, but it's going to be hard. But it has to be done, because...

IIII. He's not the baby anymore.

{Kerstin, Elyse, Emily. August 2009}

One of my favorite things to do when I visit Utah is get together with my dear, long-time friends. This past trip was no different, and I was able to have lunch with Kerstin and Elyse, who have been two of my dearest friends for...let's see...almost 18 years. Yep, seriously. And while we may have changed a little over those 18 years, some things just haven't changed, including my love for these two gals (women? do I have to call you women??)

We ate at a fabulous little French restaurant that Elyse loves...and of course she impressed us with her knowledge of French cuisine and the French language. And she spoke wistfully of the time she spent on her mission in France.

Kerstin showed up wearing her classic personal style (which I call casual-and-yet-amazingly-adorable) and Elyse dressed to impress with a darling dress and pearls (of course). (Although she told us that she was going to see her sister at the airport after lunch, so perhaps she wasn't dressing to impress us.) And me? Well, I showed up. And I soaked in my time with these amazing women.

We ordered fantastic food and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the desserts in the dessert display (and Elyse was able to direct us to the best ones) and sat in the cool shade of downtown Salt Lake City. I wanted time to stand still, it was so perfectly pleasant. And pleasantly perfect.

So as we sat and talked, I was struck by something. Our conversation topics are different, but the underlying theme of what we talk about now versus what we talked about on the trampoline during the sleepovers we had in middle school has remained the same. Basically, we still have trepidation about the future. Whether or not our hopes and dreams will become reality is still unknown. We still talk about the great things about "now" with a twinge of fear about whether or not things will work out for us, in the way we'd hoped they would.

"Will anyone ever like me?" has changed to "Will love last?"
"I hope he kisses me" has turned into "I hope he kisses me and means it."
"What will my kids look like?" has evolved into "Will I ever have kids...and as many as I want?"
"School is hard" is now "The school of hard knocks sucks big time."
"I'll have to do WHAT on my wedding night?" has become less of a joke... and more of a joy (wink, wink).
"I wonder what will happen after high school" is as unknown as "I wonder what I'll be doing next year."
"Is he right for me?" has become "Am I right for anyone?"
"I can't wait to be a mother" has become "I love being a mother, but it is hard work!"
"It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" is still "It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" -- but the "thing" has changed.

And don't get me wrong...our conversation wasn't all about pain and heartache. There is so much good about our lives now! There is so much promise of a bright future ahead. I'm just grateful that these great friends are still along for the ride! I love you!

The world is a different place in the wee hours of the night.

Especially my world.

The house is quiet (except for the click-click of my keyboard and of course some trashy Bravo show on in the background...I always keep the TV on when I'm up late, so that it doesn't seem too quiet, if you know what I mean).

In the rooms of my home, there is snoring as dreams are the reality of the moment.

Dreams of endless graham crackers, fame and celebrity during the upcoming fall baseball season, riding bikes with no thought of traffic and endless sidewalks to walk and run and ride.

And apparently, someone dreams about telling the world they are happily married. And telling a beautiful nurse that he loves his wife more than anything in the world. (This is the dream of last week.)

And I'm sure that same someone is dreaming about becoming a successful doctor. I wish he would wake up and tell me exactly where he will be a successful doctor, but alas he is fast asleep and by the time he awakes in the morning he will not remember his dreams!

And if someone was not busy at the computer, trying desperately to catch up on work, I'm sure she would be dreaming some sort of stressful dream. Some dream where she has forgotten something important, or cannot find her children, or just plain doesn't measure up. Because these are her types of dreams. (Unless she dreams of good-looking boys from high school, but shhhh, don't tell anyone about those dreams. Those are between you and me!)

What do you dream about??

This is really just for my mom...haha...it was 9:49 pm in Utah, which meant it was 10:49 our time, and the kids were still up. And not ready for bed, apparently. (I really just recorded this because Aidan had just started to shake his head "no" and say, "Uh-uh" and I thought it was the cutest thing ever...)

This is from a birthday party last month at Pump It Up. Aidan really wanted to go on the slide, so
I begged Adam to take him. He wouldn't go near them again the whole night! :)

PS If I could have figured out how to post it with no audio, I would -- I absolutely HATE the laugh I do on the video. Oh well, it is what it is! :)

Tonight, I Wept

I had an original idea for this blog post.

I was going to show this picture from our little photo session swap in Utah:

And then I was going to lament that I had no idea that I really looked like that. That woah, momma, I've gained some weight. And oh dear, there is a lot of work to be done. And heaven help me, I am a large fatty.

And keep in mind, I had no idea. I knew I wasn't a svelte lady, but seriously, I hadn't realized how far it had gone. I could complain on and on about how it made me feel to see the pics from this photo session. I could talk about the nearly-debilitating depression that I've experienced over the last few months. And how food has been my best (and pretty much only) friend. I could write a book on the loneliness of this year. I could complain and B!tch and moan and whine and cry.

But while this post was still unwritten, I was cruising some of my favorite blogs, one being CJane's. And then I clicked over to the NieNie Dialogues and saw that sweet Stephanie had posted a picture of herself.

And the tears flowed.

I thought to myself that I ought to be glad that this {fat} body still works. That I can move around and perform simple tasks without pain. That my children recognize my face and love me for who I am, no matter what I look like.

Who cares if I'm a little soft around the edges, because really, I should just be grateful to have edges at all.

They say beauty is fleeting, but I actually believe that true beauty never fades away. So while I work on the outside, I have a plan for the inside too, because we all know that the most important part of us isn't presented to the eyes, it's presented to the heart. There is much work in my future, but I thank God for each day he gives me to get it done.


{And if you haven't heard of CJane and NieNie, first of all -- where have you been over the last year? And secondly -- take a couple hours to go through the archives of their blogs, from a year ago. Your perspective will change about what is most important!}

Out of the Mouth of Babes

We've just returned from a two-week trip to Utah and then to San Antonio. It felt so nice to sleep in our own beds last night! I'm exhausted from the events of the last two weeks, which included a LOT of photography work and a LOT of family play time. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! (haha) I will get caught up in the next couple of days and post some pictures and videos here but until then, I couldn't wait to share this little story.

Last night I was going through the memory cards I'd taken on our trips (yes, that is memory cardS -- plural -- there are ten of them) and I realized that I was missing one. It wasn't a big deal because it wasn't work-related but I hated the thought of losing the card itself (they are not cheap to replace) and also it had some family images on there that I was upset about losing. I looked around last night and then laid in bed trying to think about where I could have lost it. Keep in mind, since I took the last picture on that card, we'd stayed at a relative's home, a hotel, taken two planes and gone through security at the airport, plus taken a shuttle to our car and then driven to San Antonio for a little vacation. That card could've been anywhere.

This morning I looked around the house, then cleaned out the car and looked in there. I tore apart my lens bag and searched around the computer. Nothing. I knew that I needed to say a prayer and ask the Lord to help me know where to look. I said a few in my heart, but it became clear that it needed to be an out-loud prayer. I asked Nate to kneel down with me and offer a prayer that it would be found. Frankly, I needed our combined faith in order to find it, since I KNEW that it could be anywhere in the world at that point. We knelt down and I offered a simple prayer, then got up and got to work looking. I looked around the computer but felt that I ought to look again in my camera bag, where I'd already looked several times. So I got it out, looked in the pocket, and.....there was the card! Less than 3 minutes after offering that prayer, we found the card. I told Nate that we needed to say another prayer to thank Heavenly Father for helping us. We knelt down again and said another simple prayer to thank Him. We stood back up and Nate said the funniest thing:

"Mom, do you think Jesus hid the card in your bag so that it could be a big surprise?"

Surprise or not, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I had to help Nate see that our Father in Heaven loves us and he DOES answer our prayers. Sometimes he answers them immediately and I'm so thankful for that!!!

Eight is GR8

Eight years ago, Adam and I were married in the Salt Lake City LDS temple (seen behind us in the above picture). In fact, as I type this, it was almost exactly eight years ago!

Eight years...
2, 290 days...
70, 080 hours of wedded bliss.

Well, okay, not every hour has been bliss...but you know what I mean...

A couple weeks ago, we pulled out our wedding pictures and went through every one. It had been years since we'd looked at them. I even realized that Nate had never seen them! (We have a few in a frame in our home, so he has seen some of the photos from that day.)
He really enjoyed seeing pictures of his uncles, who look a lot different now.

But Adam and I? We look exactly the same. Haven't changed a bit.

(yeah, right!)

As I was looking through these, I could feel every emotion of that day. A couple of times, I found myself feeling the breathlessness that I always felt around my new husband. He was so dang good-looking, and we were so full of promise that day. In my heart that day, there was every feeling you could imagine...elation, nervousness, excitement, pure love...and so many more. But you get the idea.

I look at these pictures and laugh at how naive we were about what was to come. Sometimes I feel like telling that young, skinny girl that she doesn't have the chops to handle what's coming in her life. Real life is about to hit, you silly girl! There will be babies that cry, and bills that can't be paid, and stress and cross-country moves, and big decisions and disappointment...

...and greater joy than she's ever known before.

But for these moments, there was no thought of real life, no thought of much, but how happy I was that my life was just eternally intertwined with his life. Beautifully intertwined.

Eight years later (and apparently millions of calories later, too) life is beautiful.


And if we make it to our tenth anniversary, maybe we'll celebrate big-time...neither one of us has been to Hawaii. :)

Photo by my sister Ali :)
{I put up this picture because I totally love it. It is one of our first pictures after we were married, I wish I could show you a better version of it. I also love that it features our videographer, Matt Baker, and our photographer, Kelly Anne Sansom}



{The images shown in this post were taken by Kelly Anne of Gallery Photography and for your info, our wedding video was done by Happily Ever After video. They are located in Utah and are two of the best in the business! And because it's important to note, I have purchased the negatives from the wedding day, so this is not a copyright infringement...copyright infringement is not nice!!}

Happy Mother's Day!

thanks to Adam for the pictures...he's really getting better at using my camera ;)

The honest truth is that EVERY day is Mother's Day around here. These little boys, who bring me more joy than I could have imagined, are pretty open with their love and affection and appreciation.
{Now, I'm sure that in about ten years I'll NEED at least one day when they are forced to tell me that they love me...teenage boys are a little less free and open with their feelings!}

Can I just say publicly that I am SO thankful to my Father in Heaven for these boys. I'm so very blessed that I was able to carry them in my own womb, that they are healthy and happy, and strong. I love to watch the little things that they do, that remind me of my sweet husband or my darling brothers or my wonderful dad. I love the men in my life, and that includes these little men. I am so very blessed. So very blessed.

Aidan's Mother's Day gift to me was to drop an entire (unopened) jar of Queso on the floor just as we were leaving for Church. Luckily he wasn't hurt, but there was glass everywhere. I share this with you in case you think I was asserting that my life is perfect. Boy howdy, it sure isn't. But I LOVE that every day I get to live it. :)

**A little edit...I can't stop staring at these photos. I am so head-over-heels in love. Look at what my dearly beloved and I have made! Oh man, we need to have lots more kids. We just make 'em so darn cute. It's our gift to the world....darn cute kids. :)

This little man is now 18 months old.
Where has the time gone???

He keeps us laughing! He's such a funny little boy--lately he has been making a grumpy face then a quick smile, followed by throwing his head back and fake-laughing. He thinks that he is soooo funny.

He has but several words:
STOP!
Truck
Baba (bottle)
Dada
Mama
Nate (which sounds exactly the same as stop...go figure...)

He is a man of few words but he surely gets his point across.

He loves to be outside, looooooves cars (or anything with wheels), hates the vacuum.

He's all boy. We wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, even a docile little girl :)

Justice?

I know, I know...I'm seriously due for a blog post...one that doesn't involve a link to something else...but oh well. I'm gonna post this anyway.
My almost-friends-in-real-life friend Amy posted this and it made me simultaneously furious AND made the hair on the back of my neck stand up:
http://granolasdodallas.blogspot.com/2009/04/amy-gets-opinionated.html

An Easter Message...Murdock Style

For any of you wondering the correlation between the Resurrection of our Savior and the Easter Bunny, well, I believe my six-year-old has figured it out! Last night, as he was getting into bed, we had this conversation:

"Mom, why do we even have that holiday (Easter) anyway?"
"Do you remember what we talked about last week? About how we are celebrating--well, not celebrating, but thinking about--Christ's death and celebrating his Resurrection? Do you remember what 'resurrected' means?"
"Um....no, I forgot."
"Resurrection is when our bodies that were dead and our spirits come back together again. Jesus was the first of Heavenly Father's children to be resurrected."
"Oh yeah! He lived again after he was dead."
"Right."
(He was thinking for a second, although I thought the conversation was over, but he wasn't done!)
"So maybe people throw the candy and hide the eggs to celebrate that day that Jesus was alive again."

I'm not sure about the throwing candy part (just for the record, this is not a Murdock tradition) but I think he's got it reconciled in his mind. I'm still waiting for the question of what a bunny has to do with such a sacred holiday, but for now, it's settled...the candy is part of the celebration. And sugary goodies as part of a celebration is definitely a tradition of mine!!!

Nate described his nightmare from last night:

This was a bad one. It was raining so much. And there was one puddle. And it got really deep-y. And then my brother walked and then he drained.

We had a great day at the Heard Museum today. There are many trails to walk and the weather was perfect. Plus, we had some amazing company, so it was such a fun adventure!

We went with my friend Julie and her three fun boys. Nate and Julie's oldest (Zach) have been friends since the womb. Well, since Nate was in the womb, anyway. One of Nate's first pictures is of an 8-month-old Zach holding him the week he came home from the hospital.

I don't know how to explain what great friends the Hansons are to us. We have a long history, and, if my luck continues, we'll have a long future as well.

Julie and two of her three boys

And can I just tell you how much this little guy wears me out? He is a stubborn little thing, and yet is so darn cute. I had to take the stroller back to the car after I realized that these were true walking/hiking trails and not stroller-friendly. And boy, did that make things interesting. He needs a leash. Seriously. He is his own man, and he makes his own path.

Hopefully Nate didn't think that his Spring Break was too bad, even though we really didn't do much. At least he's too young to know that Spring Break is supposed to be more than trips to the park, the gym, and McDonald's playplace. :)

PS Julie, I'll send you these photos and a few more that I got. But I'm gonna hold 'em hostage until you send me the picture of Zach holding Nate.
just kidding.

A Public Apology

PLEASE READ.

Recently there has been an event in my life that has caused a lot of reflection on my part, and I feel the need to publicly apologize to anyone who has seen my photography website or my photography blog in the past few months.

I received an email from a client (who is now also a friend) asking me to remove the images of their children from my photography galleries because of some questionable images that were also presented. Understandably, they did not want their children to be presented in the same venue as an "implied nude" image of a pregnant woman.

I want to issue an apology to them, and to anyone who has seen and been offended by the images from that session. I have temporarily discontinued my photography blog (I'm in the middle of switching to a new one, anyway) and have removed the questionable images from my photography website as well.

Because they may have offended some of you (and definitely offended these sweet clients), I do not want to seem as though I am justifying the use of those images as part of my portfolio, but I would like to explain them. Those images were part of a maternity session that I did for someone who requested both traditional and contemporary images for their session. The beautiful woman who appears in those images chose that particular wardrobe selection, and I was asked (and paid) to present her in the most beautiful and artistic way I was able. After a couple hours of shooting this particular session, I subsequently spent hours looking at the images while I edited them. I became somewhat numb to them, and have used them in an arguably flippant manner, not once thinking of anyone else's perception of them. I deeply regret this.

I sincerely apologize and hope that you will continue to support my dream of becoming a great photographer, knowing that I commit to all of my clients, future clients, and dear friends that there will never again be any image posted on my website or blog which will be offensive. You can now view them with confidence that you can keep your virtue about you as you do so.

Thanks.

Wanna hear a story?

If you have a phobia about stories that involve a lack of home-cleanliness, this story is not for you. I'm sure that cjane has something good to say, you might want to just click over to her blog. I think she had a guest post today.

Anyway.

So a couple weeks ago, I busted my rear-end to be sure that my home was clean from room to room to room. It involved staying up all night before Nate's birthday party. This may sound ridiculous to you, but it makes sense to me. I am only successful at cleaning house when these two are asleep:
I'm not being dramatic when I tell you about this. For one, I DO NOT enjoy cleaning the floor and picking up toys at 3 a.m. nor do I enjoy finding the eighteen spoons that have been removed from the utensil drawer by my 18-month-old, scattered all over the house. And so when I say that I cannot clean house until they are asleep, I am not being dramatic. I am also not exaggerating when I tell you that I could spend my entire day following Aidan around the house, cleaning up after him. He is busy. Constantly moving. And constantly pulling random things out of drawers, cabinets, and closets and then carrying them to another room. He does this all day long! And I'd love to spend my day following him around the house, placing items back where they belong. But the problem is that I actually have other things that need to be done, like laundry and dishes and work and you know, stuff. Really important stuff.

So the real problem is that when I do try to tidy up when he's awake, he literally (and again, I'm not being dramatic!) follows me around and undoes whatever I do. Whatever I put away, he pulls back out. Just this morning I picked up the DVDs that he'd scattered around the floor, then went to put a load of wash in the dryer. By the time I came back, the DVDs were all over the floor again.

Okay, so that is just background to the fact that I started to notice that not a single one of the men (or little men) living in this home were cleaning up after themselves. Not even the head Man, who has been taking his meals at the computer desk (DO NOT even get me started on this, it's a whole other issue) and then leaving the dishes there.

So, two weeks ago, I went on strike.

I've been sure that everyone is fed and clothed, but beyond that, I've hardly lifted a finger.**

Um, that was a dumb thing to do.

Mostly because no one noticed until it got really bad. And then they were all like, Hmmm, where did that worker-lady go? I can hardly walk here. Really, WHERE is that worker-lady? The one who usually cleans this stuff up? Did she quit? When will she be back? I'm not sure what to do with all this stuff. Is there some sort of machine to clean all this up?

And then I was all like, Ha! See! If I don't do the work, no one will! Gotcha! Now you all appreciate me! Right? RIGHT???

Silence.

So, now I've got two problems: I made my point and no one cared, AND it's going to take ME another two weeks to dig myself out of this mess. Bummer.




PS If you have any real-world ideas on how to help me with my "helper" problem (aka Aidan undoing all my doings) please comment. I'm at my wit's end here. The way I see it, I have two options. (1) Tie him to a pole in the backyard and let him run circles around it all day or (2) Completely clear out my house so that there is nothing IN the cabinets, drawers and closets to make a mess with. Any other ideas?

PPS Just in case you feel that I've totally failed in the way of raising my children, I have to mention that Nate's room has been spotless for the past two weeks. I have taught him to be clean--He is adamant about keeping his own space clean. Just not the shared space, I guess.

**EDIT: I did do the dishes several times in the last two weeks, so I guess I did lift a finger or two.

Blogger's Block

A little blog post about What The Murdocks Have Been Doing Lately.
Beware: This is a totally random post of lots of pictures thrown together. You have been warned!!!

Swinging At The Park
(obviously, not getting a haircut. It's certainly time, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Maybe this week...)

Bowling
(Which is a whole other blog post. When did bowling get to be so expensive? There were three of us, we bowled 2 games and rented shoes...the total was $40! Who can afford that? Well, not us! We won't be bowling again any time soon!)

Lovin' on adorable babies. This is one of my favorite things to do!

(Photo Courtesy of Nate Murdock, future photographer!)

Taking terrible self-portraits.

Playing out-of-doors whilst looking like an orphan child.

Notice the trend? I can really only get pictures of him RUNNING AWAY from the camera lately.

This CRACKS me up.

Ha, ha.

Someone has been digging in the trash for discarded cups-of-ice. (Trust me, all beverages have been sucked dry by someone else)
And where are the orphan's clothes? Pathetic!



FLYING OUR NEW KITE:

I love this one (above) because of the wide angle--if you look closely you can see both Adam and Nate at the bottom of the picture. Nate loved flying the kite, and Adam really took on the challenge to keep 'er in the sky.

Seriously, Aidan could have held on tight and ridden it like a paraglider. It was that big.

Too bad he weighs like 400 pounds and never could have made it more than two feet above the ground.

These brothers play so well together! However, I'm afraid that soon Aidan will outweigh Nate. He's already way more aggressive and loves to tackle his big brother.
His big brother who is, mind you, four-and-one-half years older than him!!!



I made it to the gym FOUR TIMES this week. I just had to throw that in. (no pictures, but maybe in a couple months I'll post the "after" pictures. haha)

Aidan's nickname lately is The Tornado. Look out! He's very destructive. You never know when he'll hit, where he'll hit, or what he's going to do. And he's dang FAST!

Wrapping up the weekend in true Murdock style (well, lately, anyway...this is at least our fifth round of illness this Cold&Flu season).

Sick on the couch with a high fever.
And still begging to play the Wii.

Heaven help me!