{Kerstin, Elyse, Emily. August 2009}

One of my favorite things to do when I visit Utah is get together with my dear, long-time friends. This past trip was no different, and I was able to have lunch with Kerstin and Elyse, who have been two of my dearest friends for...let's see...almost 18 years. Yep, seriously. And while we may have changed a little over those 18 years, some things just haven't changed, including my love for these two gals (women? do I have to call you women??)

We ate at a fabulous little French restaurant that Elyse loves...and of course she impressed us with her knowledge of French cuisine and the French language. And she spoke wistfully of the time she spent on her mission in France.

Kerstin showed up wearing her classic personal style (which I call casual-and-yet-amazingly-adorable) and Elyse dressed to impress with a darling dress and pearls (of course). (Although she told us that she was going to see her sister at the airport after lunch, so perhaps she wasn't dressing to impress us.) And me? Well, I showed up. And I soaked in my time with these amazing women.

We ordered fantastic food and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the desserts in the dessert display (and Elyse was able to direct us to the best ones) and sat in the cool shade of downtown Salt Lake City. I wanted time to stand still, it was so perfectly pleasant. And pleasantly perfect.

So as we sat and talked, I was struck by something. Our conversation topics are different, but the underlying theme of what we talk about now versus what we talked about on the trampoline during the sleepovers we had in middle school has remained the same. Basically, we still have trepidation about the future. Whether or not our hopes and dreams will become reality is still unknown. We still talk about the great things about "now" with a twinge of fear about whether or not things will work out for us, in the way we'd hoped they would.

"Will anyone ever like me?" has changed to "Will love last?"
"I hope he kisses me" has turned into "I hope he kisses me and means it."
"What will my kids look like?" has evolved into "Will I ever have kids...and as many as I want?"
"School is hard" is now "The school of hard knocks sucks big time."
"I'll have to do WHAT on my wedding night?" has become less of a joke... and more of a joy (wink, wink).
"I wonder what will happen after high school" is as unknown as "I wonder what I'll be doing next year."
"Is he right for me?" has become "Am I right for anyone?"
"I can't wait to be a mother" has become "I love being a mother, but it is hard work!"
"It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" is still "It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" -- but the "thing" has changed.

And don't get me wrong...our conversation wasn't all about pain and heartache. There is so much good about our lives now! There is so much promise of a bright future ahead. I'm just grateful that these great friends are still along for the ride! I love you!

The world is a different place in the wee hours of the night.

Especially my world.

The house is quiet (except for the click-click of my keyboard and of course some trashy Bravo show on in the background...I always keep the TV on when I'm up late, so that it doesn't seem too quiet, if you know what I mean).

In the rooms of my home, there is snoring as dreams are the reality of the moment.

Dreams of endless graham crackers, fame and celebrity during the upcoming fall baseball season, riding bikes with no thought of traffic and endless sidewalks to walk and run and ride.

And apparently, someone dreams about telling the world they are happily married. And telling a beautiful nurse that he loves his wife more than anything in the world. (This is the dream of last week.)

And I'm sure that same someone is dreaming about becoming a successful doctor. I wish he would wake up and tell me exactly where he will be a successful doctor, but alas he is fast asleep and by the time he awakes in the morning he will not remember his dreams!

And if someone was not busy at the computer, trying desperately to catch up on work, I'm sure she would be dreaming some sort of stressful dream. Some dream where she has forgotten something important, or cannot find her children, or just plain doesn't measure up. Because these are her types of dreams. (Unless she dreams of good-looking boys from high school, but shhhh, don't tell anyone about those dreams. Those are between you and me!)

What do you dream about??

This is really just for my mom...haha...it was 9:49 pm in Utah, which meant it was 10:49 our time, and the kids were still up. And not ready for bed, apparently. (I really just recorded this because Aidan had just started to shake his head "no" and say, "Uh-uh" and I thought it was the cutest thing ever...)

This is from a birthday party last month at Pump It Up. Aidan really wanted to go on the slide, so
I begged Adam to take him. He wouldn't go near them again the whole night! :)

PS If I could have figured out how to post it with no audio, I would -- I absolutely HATE the laugh I do on the video. Oh well, it is what it is! :)

Tonight, I Wept

I had an original idea for this blog post.

I was going to show this picture from our little photo session swap in Utah:

And then I was going to lament that I had no idea that I really looked like that. That woah, momma, I've gained some weight. And oh dear, there is a lot of work to be done. And heaven help me, I am a large fatty.

And keep in mind, I had no idea. I knew I wasn't a svelte lady, but seriously, I hadn't realized how far it had gone. I could complain on and on about how it made me feel to see the pics from this photo session. I could talk about the nearly-debilitating depression that I've experienced over the last few months. And how food has been my best (and pretty much only) friend. I could write a book on the loneliness of this year. I could complain and B!tch and moan and whine and cry.

But while this post was still unwritten, I was cruising some of my favorite blogs, one being CJane's. And then I clicked over to the NieNie Dialogues and saw that sweet Stephanie had posted a picture of herself.

And the tears flowed.

I thought to myself that I ought to be glad that this {fat} body still works. That I can move around and perform simple tasks without pain. That my children recognize my face and love me for who I am, no matter what I look like.

Who cares if I'm a little soft around the edges, because really, I should just be grateful to have edges at all.

They say beauty is fleeting, but I actually believe that true beauty never fades away. So while I work on the outside, I have a plan for the inside too, because we all know that the most important part of us isn't presented to the eyes, it's presented to the heart. There is much work in my future, but I thank God for each day he gives me to get it done.


{And if you haven't heard of CJane and NieNie, first of all -- where have you been over the last year? And secondly -- take a couple hours to go through the archives of their blogs, from a year ago. Your perspective will change about what is most important!}

Out of the Mouth of Babes

We've just returned from a two-week trip to Utah and then to San Antonio. It felt so nice to sleep in our own beds last night! I'm exhausted from the events of the last two weeks, which included a LOT of photography work and a LOT of family play time. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! (haha) I will get caught up in the next couple of days and post some pictures and videos here but until then, I couldn't wait to share this little story.

Last night I was going through the memory cards I'd taken on our trips (yes, that is memory cardS -- plural -- there are ten of them) and I realized that I was missing one. It wasn't a big deal because it wasn't work-related but I hated the thought of losing the card itself (they are not cheap to replace) and also it had some family images on there that I was upset about losing. I looked around last night and then laid in bed trying to think about where I could have lost it. Keep in mind, since I took the last picture on that card, we'd stayed at a relative's home, a hotel, taken two planes and gone through security at the airport, plus taken a shuttle to our car and then driven to San Antonio for a little vacation. That card could've been anywhere.

This morning I looked around the house, then cleaned out the car and looked in there. I tore apart my lens bag and searched around the computer. Nothing. I knew that I needed to say a prayer and ask the Lord to help me know where to look. I said a few in my heart, but it became clear that it needed to be an out-loud prayer. I asked Nate to kneel down with me and offer a prayer that it would be found. Frankly, I needed our combined faith in order to find it, since I KNEW that it could be anywhere in the world at that point. We knelt down and I offered a simple prayer, then got up and got to work looking. I looked around the computer but felt that I ought to look again in my camera bag, where I'd already looked several times. So I got it out, looked in the pocket, and.....there was the card! Less than 3 minutes after offering that prayer, we found the card. I told Nate that we needed to say another prayer to thank Heavenly Father for helping us. We knelt down again and said another simple prayer to thank Him. We stood back up and Nate said the funniest thing:

"Mom, do you think Jesus hid the card in your bag so that it could be a big surprise?"

Surprise or not, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I had to help Nate see that our Father in Heaven loves us and he DOES answer our prayers. Sometimes he answers them immediately and I'm so thankful for that!!!