{Kerstin, Elyse, Emily. August 2009}

One of my favorite things to do when I visit Utah is get together with my dear, long-time friends. This past trip was no different, and I was able to have lunch with Kerstin and Elyse, who have been two of my dearest friends for...let's see...almost 18 years. Yep, seriously. And while we may have changed a little over those 18 years, some things just haven't changed, including my love for these two gals (women? do I have to call you women??)

We ate at a fabulous little French restaurant that Elyse loves...and of course she impressed us with her knowledge of French cuisine and the French language. And she spoke wistfully of the time she spent on her mission in France.

Kerstin showed up wearing her classic personal style (which I call casual-and-yet-amazingly-adorable) and Elyse dressed to impress with a darling dress and pearls (of course). (Although she told us that she was going to see her sister at the airport after lunch, so perhaps she wasn't dressing to impress us.) And me? Well, I showed up. And I soaked in my time with these amazing women.

We ordered fantastic food and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the desserts in the dessert display (and Elyse was able to direct us to the best ones) and sat in the cool shade of downtown Salt Lake City. I wanted time to stand still, it was so perfectly pleasant. And pleasantly perfect.

So as we sat and talked, I was struck by something. Our conversation topics are different, but the underlying theme of what we talk about now versus what we talked about on the trampoline during the sleepovers we had in middle school has remained the same. Basically, we still have trepidation about the future. Whether or not our hopes and dreams will become reality is still unknown. We still talk about the great things about "now" with a twinge of fear about whether or not things will work out for us, in the way we'd hoped they would.

"Will anyone ever like me?" has changed to "Will love last?"
"I hope he kisses me" has turned into "I hope he kisses me and means it."
"What will my kids look like?" has evolved into "Will I ever have kids...and as many as I want?"
"School is hard" is now "The school of hard knocks sucks big time."
"I'll have to do WHAT on my wedding night?" has become less of a joke... and more of a joy (wink, wink).
"I wonder what will happen after high school" is as unknown as "I wonder what I'll be doing next year."
"Is he right for me?" has become "Am I right for anyone?"
"I can't wait to be a mother" has become "I love being a mother, but it is hard work!"
"It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" is still "It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced" -- but the "thing" has changed.

And don't get me wrong...our conversation wasn't all about pain and heartache. There is so much good about our lives now! There is so much promise of a bright future ahead. I'm just grateful that these great friends are still along for the ride! I love you!

The world is a different place in the wee hours of the night.

Especially my world.

The house is quiet (except for the click-click of my keyboard and of course some trashy Bravo show on in the background...I always keep the TV on when I'm up late, so that it doesn't seem too quiet, if you know what I mean).

In the rooms of my home, there is snoring as dreams are the reality of the moment.

Dreams of endless graham crackers, fame and celebrity during the upcoming fall baseball season, riding bikes with no thought of traffic and endless sidewalks to walk and run and ride.

And apparently, someone dreams about telling the world they are happily married. And telling a beautiful nurse that he loves his wife more than anything in the world. (This is the dream of last week.)

And I'm sure that same someone is dreaming about becoming a successful doctor. I wish he would wake up and tell me exactly where he will be a successful doctor, but alas he is fast asleep and by the time he awakes in the morning he will not remember his dreams!

And if someone was not busy at the computer, trying desperately to catch up on work, I'm sure she would be dreaming some sort of stressful dream. Some dream where she has forgotten something important, or cannot find her children, or just plain doesn't measure up. Because these are her types of dreams. (Unless she dreams of good-looking boys from high school, but shhhh, don't tell anyone about those dreams. Those are between you and me!)

What do you dream about??

This is really just for my mom...haha...it was 9:49 pm in Utah, which meant it was 10:49 our time, and the kids were still up. And not ready for bed, apparently. (I really just recorded this because Aidan had just started to shake his head "no" and say, "Uh-uh" and I thought it was the cutest thing ever...)

This is from a birthday party last month at Pump It Up. Aidan really wanted to go on the slide, so
I begged Adam to take him. He wouldn't go near them again the whole night! :)

PS If I could have figured out how to post it with no audio, I would -- I absolutely HATE the laugh I do on the video. Oh well, it is what it is! :)

Tonight, I Wept

I had an original idea for this blog post.

I was going to show this picture from our little photo session swap in Utah:

And then I was going to lament that I had no idea that I really looked like that. That woah, momma, I've gained some weight. And oh dear, there is a lot of work to be done. And heaven help me, I am a large fatty.

And keep in mind, I had no idea. I knew I wasn't a svelte lady, but seriously, I hadn't realized how far it had gone. I could complain on and on about how it made me feel to see the pics from this photo session. I could talk about the nearly-debilitating depression that I've experienced over the last few months. And how food has been my best (and pretty much only) friend. I could write a book on the loneliness of this year. I could complain and B!tch and moan and whine and cry.

But while this post was still unwritten, I was cruising some of my favorite blogs, one being CJane's. And then I clicked over to the NieNie Dialogues and saw that sweet Stephanie had posted a picture of herself.

And the tears flowed.

I thought to myself that I ought to be glad that this {fat} body still works. That I can move around and perform simple tasks without pain. That my children recognize my face and love me for who I am, no matter what I look like.

Who cares if I'm a little soft around the edges, because really, I should just be grateful to have edges at all.

They say beauty is fleeting, but I actually believe that true beauty never fades away. So while I work on the outside, I have a plan for the inside too, because we all know that the most important part of us isn't presented to the eyes, it's presented to the heart. There is much work in my future, but I thank God for each day he gives me to get it done.


{And if you haven't heard of CJane and NieNie, first of all -- where have you been over the last year? And secondly -- take a couple hours to go through the archives of their blogs, from a year ago. Your perspective will change about what is most important!}

Out of the Mouth of Babes

We've just returned from a two-week trip to Utah and then to San Antonio. It felt so nice to sleep in our own beds last night! I'm exhausted from the events of the last two weeks, which included a LOT of photography work and a LOT of family play time. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation! (haha) I will get caught up in the next couple of days and post some pictures and videos here but until then, I couldn't wait to share this little story.

Last night I was going through the memory cards I'd taken on our trips (yes, that is memory cardS -- plural -- there are ten of them) and I realized that I was missing one. It wasn't a big deal because it wasn't work-related but I hated the thought of losing the card itself (they are not cheap to replace) and also it had some family images on there that I was upset about losing. I looked around last night and then laid in bed trying to think about where I could have lost it. Keep in mind, since I took the last picture on that card, we'd stayed at a relative's home, a hotel, taken two planes and gone through security at the airport, plus taken a shuttle to our car and then driven to San Antonio for a little vacation. That card could've been anywhere.

This morning I looked around the house, then cleaned out the car and looked in there. I tore apart my lens bag and searched around the computer. Nothing. I knew that I needed to say a prayer and ask the Lord to help me know where to look. I said a few in my heart, but it became clear that it needed to be an out-loud prayer. I asked Nate to kneel down with me and offer a prayer that it would be found. Frankly, I needed our combined faith in order to find it, since I KNEW that it could be anywhere in the world at that point. We knelt down and I offered a simple prayer, then got up and got to work looking. I looked around the computer but felt that I ought to look again in my camera bag, where I'd already looked several times. So I got it out, looked in the pocket, and.....there was the card! Less than 3 minutes after offering that prayer, we found the card. I told Nate that we needed to say another prayer to thank Heavenly Father for helping us. We knelt down again and said another simple prayer to thank Him. We stood back up and Nate said the funniest thing:

"Mom, do you think Jesus hid the card in your bag so that it could be a big surprise?"

Surprise or not, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I had to help Nate see that our Father in Heaven loves us and he DOES answer our prayers. Sometimes he answers them immediately and I'm so thankful for that!!!

Eight is GR8

Eight years ago, Adam and I were married in the Salt Lake City LDS temple (seen behind us in the above picture). In fact, as I type this, it was almost exactly eight years ago!

Eight years...
2, 290 days...
70, 080 hours of wedded bliss.

Well, okay, not every hour has been bliss...but you know what I mean...

A couple weeks ago, we pulled out our wedding pictures and went through every one. It had been years since we'd looked at them. I even realized that Nate had never seen them! (We have a few in a frame in our home, so he has seen some of the photos from that day.)
He really enjoyed seeing pictures of his uncles, who look a lot different now.

But Adam and I? We look exactly the same. Haven't changed a bit.

(yeah, right!)

As I was looking through these, I could feel every emotion of that day. A couple of times, I found myself feeling the breathlessness that I always felt around my new husband. He was so dang good-looking, and we were so full of promise that day. In my heart that day, there was every feeling you could imagine...elation, nervousness, excitement, pure love...and so many more. But you get the idea.

I look at these pictures and laugh at how naive we were about what was to come. Sometimes I feel like telling that young, skinny girl that she doesn't have the chops to handle what's coming in her life. Real life is about to hit, you silly girl! There will be babies that cry, and bills that can't be paid, and stress and cross-country moves, and big decisions and disappointment...

...and greater joy than she's ever known before.

But for these moments, there was no thought of real life, no thought of much, but how happy I was that my life was just eternally intertwined with his life. Beautifully intertwined.

Eight years later (and apparently millions of calories later, too) life is beautiful.


And if we make it to our tenth anniversary, maybe we'll celebrate big-time...neither one of us has been to Hawaii. :)

Photo by my sister Ali :)
{I put up this picture because I totally love it. It is one of our first pictures after we were married, I wish I could show you a better version of it. I also love that it features our videographer, Matt Baker, and our photographer, Kelly Anne Sansom}



{The images shown in this post were taken by Kelly Anne of Gallery Photography and for your info, our wedding video was done by Happily Ever After video. They are located in Utah and are two of the best in the business! And because it's important to note, I have purchased the negatives from the wedding day, so this is not a copyright infringement...copyright infringement is not nice!!}

Happy Mother's Day!

thanks to Adam for the pictures...he's really getting better at using my camera ;)

The honest truth is that EVERY day is Mother's Day around here. These little boys, who bring me more joy than I could have imagined, are pretty open with their love and affection and appreciation.
{Now, I'm sure that in about ten years I'll NEED at least one day when they are forced to tell me that they love me...teenage boys are a little less free and open with their feelings!}

Can I just say publicly that I am SO thankful to my Father in Heaven for these boys. I'm so very blessed that I was able to carry them in my own womb, that they are healthy and happy, and strong. I love to watch the little things that they do, that remind me of my sweet husband or my darling brothers or my wonderful dad. I love the men in my life, and that includes these little men. I am so very blessed. So very blessed.

Aidan's Mother's Day gift to me was to drop an entire (unopened) jar of Queso on the floor just as we were leaving for Church. Luckily he wasn't hurt, but there was glass everywhere. I share this with you in case you think I was asserting that my life is perfect. Boy howdy, it sure isn't. But I LOVE that every day I get to live it. :)

**A little edit...I can't stop staring at these photos. I am so head-over-heels in love. Look at what my dearly beloved and I have made! Oh man, we need to have lots more kids. We just make 'em so darn cute. It's our gift to the world....darn cute kids. :)

This little man is now 18 months old.
Where has the time gone???

He keeps us laughing! He's such a funny little boy--lately he has been making a grumpy face then a quick smile, followed by throwing his head back and fake-laughing. He thinks that he is soooo funny.

He has but several words:
STOP!
Truck
Baba (bottle)
Dada
Mama
Nate (which sounds exactly the same as stop...go figure...)

He is a man of few words but he surely gets his point across.

He loves to be outside, looooooves cars (or anything with wheels), hates the vacuum.

He's all boy. We wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, even a docile little girl :)

Justice?

I know, I know...I'm seriously due for a blog post...one that doesn't involve a link to something else...but oh well. I'm gonna post this anyway.
My almost-friends-in-real-life friend Amy posted this and it made me simultaneously furious AND made the hair on the back of my neck stand up:
http://granolasdodallas.blogspot.com/2009/04/amy-gets-opinionated.html

An Easter Message...Murdock Style

For any of you wondering the correlation between the Resurrection of our Savior and the Easter Bunny, well, I believe my six-year-old has figured it out! Last night, as he was getting into bed, we had this conversation:

"Mom, why do we even have that holiday (Easter) anyway?"
"Do you remember what we talked about last week? About how we are celebrating--well, not celebrating, but thinking about--Christ's death and celebrating his Resurrection? Do you remember what 'resurrected' means?"
"Um....no, I forgot."
"Resurrection is when our bodies that were dead and our spirits come back together again. Jesus was the first of Heavenly Father's children to be resurrected."
"Oh yeah! He lived again after he was dead."
"Right."
(He was thinking for a second, although I thought the conversation was over, but he wasn't done!)
"So maybe people throw the candy and hide the eggs to celebrate that day that Jesus was alive again."

I'm not sure about the throwing candy part (just for the record, this is not a Murdock tradition) but I think he's got it reconciled in his mind. I'm still waiting for the question of what a bunny has to do with such a sacred holiday, but for now, it's settled...the candy is part of the celebration. And sugary goodies as part of a celebration is definitely a tradition of mine!!!

Nate described his nightmare from last night:

This was a bad one. It was raining so much. And there was one puddle. And it got really deep-y. And then my brother walked and then he drained.

We had a great day at the Heard Museum today. There are many trails to walk and the weather was perfect. Plus, we had some amazing company, so it was such a fun adventure!

We went with my friend Julie and her three fun boys. Nate and Julie's oldest (Zach) have been friends since the womb. Well, since Nate was in the womb, anyway. One of Nate's first pictures is of an 8-month-old Zach holding him the week he came home from the hospital.

I don't know how to explain what great friends the Hansons are to us. We have a long history, and, if my luck continues, we'll have a long future as well.

Julie and two of her three boys

And can I just tell you how much this little guy wears me out? He is a stubborn little thing, and yet is so darn cute. I had to take the stroller back to the car after I realized that these were true walking/hiking trails and not stroller-friendly. And boy, did that make things interesting. He needs a leash. Seriously. He is his own man, and he makes his own path.

Hopefully Nate didn't think that his Spring Break was too bad, even though we really didn't do much. At least he's too young to know that Spring Break is supposed to be more than trips to the park, the gym, and McDonald's playplace. :)

PS Julie, I'll send you these photos and a few more that I got. But I'm gonna hold 'em hostage until you send me the picture of Zach holding Nate.
just kidding.

A Public Apology

PLEASE READ.

Recently there has been an event in my life that has caused a lot of reflection on my part, and I feel the need to publicly apologize to anyone who has seen my photography website or my photography blog in the past few months.

I received an email from a client (who is now also a friend) asking me to remove the images of their children from my photography galleries because of some questionable images that were also presented. Understandably, they did not want their children to be presented in the same venue as an "implied nude" image of a pregnant woman.

I want to issue an apology to them, and to anyone who has seen and been offended by the images from that session. I have temporarily discontinued my photography blog (I'm in the middle of switching to a new one, anyway) and have removed the questionable images from my photography website as well.

Because they may have offended some of you (and definitely offended these sweet clients), I do not want to seem as though I am justifying the use of those images as part of my portfolio, but I would like to explain them. Those images were part of a maternity session that I did for someone who requested both traditional and contemporary images for their session. The beautiful woman who appears in those images chose that particular wardrobe selection, and I was asked (and paid) to present her in the most beautiful and artistic way I was able. After a couple hours of shooting this particular session, I subsequently spent hours looking at the images while I edited them. I became somewhat numb to them, and have used them in an arguably flippant manner, not once thinking of anyone else's perception of them. I deeply regret this.

I sincerely apologize and hope that you will continue to support my dream of becoming a great photographer, knowing that I commit to all of my clients, future clients, and dear friends that there will never again be any image posted on my website or blog which will be offensive. You can now view them with confidence that you can keep your virtue about you as you do so.

Thanks.

Wanna hear a story?

If you have a phobia about stories that involve a lack of home-cleanliness, this story is not for you. I'm sure that cjane has something good to say, you might want to just click over to her blog. I think she had a guest post today.

Anyway.

So a couple weeks ago, I busted my rear-end to be sure that my home was clean from room to room to room. It involved staying up all night before Nate's birthday party. This may sound ridiculous to you, but it makes sense to me. I am only successful at cleaning house when these two are asleep:
I'm not being dramatic when I tell you about this. For one, I DO NOT enjoy cleaning the floor and picking up toys at 3 a.m. nor do I enjoy finding the eighteen spoons that have been removed from the utensil drawer by my 18-month-old, scattered all over the house. And so when I say that I cannot clean house until they are asleep, I am not being dramatic. I am also not exaggerating when I tell you that I could spend my entire day following Aidan around the house, cleaning up after him. He is busy. Constantly moving. And constantly pulling random things out of drawers, cabinets, and closets and then carrying them to another room. He does this all day long! And I'd love to spend my day following him around the house, placing items back where they belong. But the problem is that I actually have other things that need to be done, like laundry and dishes and work and you know, stuff. Really important stuff.

So the real problem is that when I do try to tidy up when he's awake, he literally (and again, I'm not being dramatic!) follows me around and undoes whatever I do. Whatever I put away, he pulls back out. Just this morning I picked up the DVDs that he'd scattered around the floor, then went to put a load of wash in the dryer. By the time I came back, the DVDs were all over the floor again.

Okay, so that is just background to the fact that I started to notice that not a single one of the men (or little men) living in this home were cleaning up after themselves. Not even the head Man, who has been taking his meals at the computer desk (DO NOT even get me started on this, it's a whole other issue) and then leaving the dishes there.

So, two weeks ago, I went on strike.

I've been sure that everyone is fed and clothed, but beyond that, I've hardly lifted a finger.**

Um, that was a dumb thing to do.

Mostly because no one noticed until it got really bad. And then they were all like, Hmmm, where did that worker-lady go? I can hardly walk here. Really, WHERE is that worker-lady? The one who usually cleans this stuff up? Did she quit? When will she be back? I'm not sure what to do with all this stuff. Is there some sort of machine to clean all this up?

And then I was all like, Ha! See! If I don't do the work, no one will! Gotcha! Now you all appreciate me! Right? RIGHT???

Silence.

So, now I've got two problems: I made my point and no one cared, AND it's going to take ME another two weeks to dig myself out of this mess. Bummer.




PS If you have any real-world ideas on how to help me with my "helper" problem (aka Aidan undoing all my doings) please comment. I'm at my wit's end here. The way I see it, I have two options. (1) Tie him to a pole in the backyard and let him run circles around it all day or (2) Completely clear out my house so that there is nothing IN the cabinets, drawers and closets to make a mess with. Any other ideas?

PPS Just in case you feel that I've totally failed in the way of raising my children, I have to mention that Nate's room has been spotless for the past two weeks. I have taught him to be clean--He is adamant about keeping his own space clean. Just not the shared space, I guess.

**EDIT: I did do the dishes several times in the last two weeks, so I guess I did lift a finger or two.

Blogger's Block

A little blog post about What The Murdocks Have Been Doing Lately.
Beware: This is a totally random post of lots of pictures thrown together. You have been warned!!!

Swinging At The Park
(obviously, not getting a haircut. It's certainly time, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Maybe this week...)

Bowling
(Which is a whole other blog post. When did bowling get to be so expensive? There were three of us, we bowled 2 games and rented shoes...the total was $40! Who can afford that? Well, not us! We won't be bowling again any time soon!)

Lovin' on adorable babies. This is one of my favorite things to do!

(Photo Courtesy of Nate Murdock, future photographer!)

Taking terrible self-portraits.

Playing out-of-doors whilst looking like an orphan child.

Notice the trend? I can really only get pictures of him RUNNING AWAY from the camera lately.

This CRACKS me up.

Ha, ha.

Someone has been digging in the trash for discarded cups-of-ice. (Trust me, all beverages have been sucked dry by someone else)
And where are the orphan's clothes? Pathetic!



FLYING OUR NEW KITE:

I love this one (above) because of the wide angle--if you look closely you can see both Adam and Nate at the bottom of the picture. Nate loved flying the kite, and Adam really took on the challenge to keep 'er in the sky.

Seriously, Aidan could have held on tight and ridden it like a paraglider. It was that big.

Too bad he weighs like 400 pounds and never could have made it more than two feet above the ground.

These brothers play so well together! However, I'm afraid that soon Aidan will outweigh Nate. He's already way more aggressive and loves to tackle his big brother.
His big brother who is, mind you, four-and-one-half years older than him!!!



I made it to the gym FOUR TIMES this week. I just had to throw that in. (no pictures, but maybe in a couple months I'll post the "after" pictures. haha)

Aidan's nickname lately is The Tornado. Look out! He's very destructive. You never know when he'll hit, where he'll hit, or what he's going to do. And he's dang FAST!

Wrapping up the weekend in true Murdock style (well, lately, anyway...this is at least our fifth round of illness this Cold&Flu season).

Sick on the couch with a high fever.
And still begging to play the Wii.

Heaven help me!

Nate, Numero Uno

Well, we made an attempt to get some photos yesterday, but I am not very excited about them. We'll have to try again this weekend. Nate makes the funniest faces and weird (fake) smiles. It was cracking me up to go through the images because not a single one really looked like him. Oh well. I suppose I have to get used to the idea that he's getting to the awkward stage of a boy's life (starts at six and ends at....42?)
But I love him dearly. He really is a sweet little guy and is the light of my life.

PS I'm going through some sort of "identity crisis" with my image editing. I'm trying some new things with these, so they don't totally "flow" because they're all edited differently. I'm trying out some new Photoshop actions on them.

Crazy Weekend!

(I took out the personal information... but this is Nate's birthday invitation)

My weekend was innnnnsaaaaaaane. (insane. insane. insane.) It was full of wonderful things, not-so-wonderful things, and a really great thing: my first-born turned 6. Can someone explain to me when exactly I became an old lady? I mean, when Nate turned 5, I was all like "Yes, my oldest is 5, but that just means I'm well-seasoned...more mature...more experienced." But this year, my only thought is: "Holy macaroni, I am so flippin' old." It doesn't feel good, people. Life is moving too fast, and I feel as though I ought to be comparing and contrasting retirement plans, adult diapers, and timeshares in Boca, you know, for the not-too-distant future.

Okay, where was I before I launched into that narcissistic diatribe?
*see, even my memory is slipping away*

Oh, yes, Nate's birthday.

What a sweetheart. I took very few pictures of my own family this weekend, but hundreds of other people's families. You'll just have to use your imagination as I recount the festivities. Friday was Nate's actual birthday. He woke up in the morning to a bedroom full of blue balloons (his favorite color for the moment) and a breakfast of favorites (pancakes and bacon). I even made the pancakes in the shape of a number 6. How domestic!I joined him at school for lunch and we passed out Birthday Cookies to his classmates. The school has a policy that nothing home-made can be distributed at school (no home-made goodies) so I had to settle for what Albertson's had readily available. And they had M&M cookies by the dozens, so that was what we did. For the record, I would have preferred to hand out home-made cupcakes, my absolute favorite. But anyway.

The next day was Nate's birthday party. We had a boys-only party, a Wii party, in which we did no actual playing of the Wii. Instead, we played games about the Wii, including Wii Fit challenge, to see who could hold the yoga pose the longest. The boys lasted for exactly one round and then became uninterested. Next game was Hot Potato with the Wii Remote, which became a weapon as they threw it to each other. They lasted for two rounds of that one. After that, we played our own version of Mario Kart with those Shake and Go cars. I'd put butcher paper down and drawn a "start" and "finish" line to make a track. We raced in heats, until there was a three-way final race. It was a fun idea, but in real life was less exciting than I'd hoped.

I learned one thing from that party. Well, really, I learned many things, but one most important thing: Trying to have a well-mannered, boys only party in my home is ridiculous. Next year I have two options: Host the party somewhere else, or host a less-organized party with the preferred games of 'Wrestling' and 'Throwing Objects at Each Other.' Stay tuned to find out which option I choose.

And here are some pics from the party. Like I said, there aren't many, just a couple. I forgot the ice cream, so the boys are having popsicles instead. They didn't seem to mind. :)

I mis-spoke, they did play the Wii at the end of the party as we were waiting for some of the parents to arrive. Nate really wanted to show his friends his mad skills at the Wii. His current favorite game is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Sounds wholesome, huh?!


We are planning to take Nate's Six Birthday Portraits this week sometime, so stay on pins and needles for those. (ha) My lack of good pictures lately is a whole other blog post, I'm just feeling so uninspired right now. I'm working on it, though! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you...for now.